She's heeere....

So, AF showed up this morning on what was supposedly CD19, which is a good week early for me. Since I've been on injectables, my cycles have zigzagged from a week too short to a week too long. I'm guessing now that the "too long" cycles were an example of what I wrote about below, that I was actually baseline before I had my period, so the cycles are probably, at least hormonally, most consistent than I thought.

I'm going to try not to obsess about a short luteal phase, since that's never been an issue with me before and just start getting excited for my first - FINALLY after 2.5 years of being told I 99% would need IVF to conceive - IVF. I'll be going in for my baseline b/w and u/s tomorrow morning. My antral follicle count is usually a depressing event (most likely due to scarring on my ovaries from stage IV endo), so I'm not thinking at all that I'll hear anything different. But I'm praying they see more than 7 or so, for the hope that we can get at least 5 eggs at retrieval. I can feel myself getting stressed out as I type this, despite my determination to be all zen this cycle, so I'm going to stop typing and go take a shower so I can log on to work by 9am!

Surly day

Well, I'm out this cycle. Let me get this off my chest: fuck, damn, shit, crap. OK, I feel a little better. I could kick myself for getting my hopes up again. I KNOW damn well that IVF is likely my only real chance at a bean, but since I got pg off my first IUI last October, I thought maybe I was the crazy everything-against-her lady that people who got a 1 on their Ovarian Reserve tests would pray to as their patron saint of beating the odds. But, despite my better instincts, I got my hopes up because I started spotting late yesterday - on our way to meet the in-laws for Mother's Day to put the final dagger in all of our IF backs, stupid Hallmark holiday. The spotting was darker brown than I've ever seen and I thought maybe, maybe it was implantation spotting. It continued light and extremely dark brown all night and I planned to take a HPT first thing in the morning and got all tingly with possible excitement. Well, first thing this morning, I could tell that the flow had gotten heavier before I even got out of bed and I took the HPT and it was the, now expected, BFN. Bah. I should stick with my gut and just assume it'll always be negative. The crash is easier that way. I'll still do my beta, trying to move it up to tomorrow at my local Quest, so I don't have to schlep an hour each way on Wednesday morning just to hear them tell me what I already know.

On to IVF now. I have my first meeting with Dr. B about it on Thursday to discuss my protocol and sign the stack of consent forms. I know I won't be doing BCPs as suppression is not an issue with me (clearly), instead I'll start off with an estrogen patch in week 3 of this cycle. Part of me is excited because I've known all along that IVF is my best chance here, but I need at least a day of being surly and feeling mopey.