Surly day

Well, I'm out this cycle. Let me get this off my chest: fuck, damn, shit, crap. OK, I feel a little better. I could kick myself for getting my hopes up again. I KNOW damn well that IVF is likely my only real chance at a bean, but since I got pg off my first IUI last October, I thought maybe I was the crazy everything-against-her lady that people who got a 1 on their Ovarian Reserve tests would pray to as their patron saint of beating the odds. But, despite my better instincts, I got my hopes up because I started spotting late yesterday - on our way to meet the in-laws for Mother's Day to put the final dagger in all of our IF backs, stupid Hallmark holiday. The spotting was darker brown than I've ever seen and I thought maybe, maybe it was implantation spotting. It continued light and extremely dark brown all night and I planned to take a HPT first thing in the morning and got all tingly with possible excitement. Well, first thing this morning, I could tell that the flow had gotten heavier before I even got out of bed and I took the HPT and it was the, now expected, BFN. Bah. I should stick with my gut and just assume it'll always be negative. The crash is easier that way. I'll still do my beta, trying to move it up to tomorrow at my local Quest, so I don't have to schlep an hour each way on Wednesday morning just to hear them tell me what I already know.

On to IVF now. I have my first meeting with Dr. B about it on Thursday to discuss my protocol and sign the stack of consent forms. I know I won't be doing BCPs as suppression is not an issue with me (clearly), instead I'll start off with an estrogen patch in week 3 of this cycle. Part of me is excited because I've known all along that IVF is my best chance here, but I need at least a day of being surly and feeling mopey.

Nada pasa

I'm feeling like a guilty blogger during these 2WW because there just isn't much to report, so I'm not posting much. I feel probably 90% sure I'm not pregnant, because I just don't feel anything. It's 10dpiui today, I should feel something, I'd think. I didn't with my last BFP, but that didn't turn out so well.

The only thing of note is very mild - and I hesitate to even call them this - cramps. I don't suffer from cramps ever, but I've had a kind of tight sensation in my lower abdomen the past day or so. I feel like it could just be my uterus ready to move on to the next cycle on this CD30. As my cycles are usually 26 days, the late O (a week late) and progesterone gel is extending my cycle beyond my normal limits. I think I may just be experiencing some uterine adjustment to holding on to lining that it's desperately wanting to purge. We'll see later this week.

NoodleGuy and I went to see the new Star Trek movie today. Muchos excellente. Alot of fun and a good distraction. Now on to the obsessing again...

NoodleGuy is a superstar!

Last IUI cycle we had a bit of a roadblock in that NoodleGuy didn't have the optimal "donation" session, so to speak. It was 5:30am - hard to feel sexy, he was under the weather and we had done a pre-emptive session of our own only 38 hours prior (at the nurse's suggestion because I was triggering at only 14mm due to my body looking like it was going to ovulate naturally). The sample was small and we were worried it wouldn't make the 5 million threshold for a good IUI. Lo and behold, it was 12 million post-wash. Not the greatest since NGuy usually has very good counts, but it was better than we had hoped.

This time, however, we had tried sort of a new trick: extended foreplay for the 2 days beforehand. No culmination allowed, just lots of middle-school type fooling around. I don't know if that was the magic elixir but the numbers don't lie! 198 million total, 48% motility, ROP of 3 = post wash count of 48 million. Yippee! WAY higher than the 20 million that most REs consider optimal.

The IUI itself was uneventful. I don't have much discomfort with these things, good for things like this, but bad that I can have issues like Stage IV endometriosis and have no idea. Anyhoo. it was easy, my favorite nurse did the procedure. She talks everything through: when she's going to touch your leg, what angle your cervix is in, what she had for dinner last night. She's awesome. Props to Mary!

So now I just wait. I harassed my RE into giving me progesterone this cycle -- my clinic normally doesn't give it for anything but IVF. I can't figure that out -- almost everyone else I know gets it for IUIs. It may not be necessary but it certainly doesn't hurt. And there is research that injectables can cause a luteal phase defect, so why not give it as a precaution? Last cycle was a bust because the cycle ended (AF) only 7 days after the IUI, something I feel would not have happened with progesterone. So, I was not going to let them deny me it this time, and now I have it. It's making me sleepy and a little cranky, but c'est la vie.

Bonkers

Nurse M called and the u/s tech was not dreaming! I have a 20.5mm and 16.6mm follie and my E2 has zagged back up to 257! To recap it was 104 (9 days ago) > 227 (6 days ago) > 109 (3 days ago) and now 257. Whew! That FSH is driving my ovaries bonkers. So... I don't feel 100% optimistic here because my hormones are going haywire but I'm thrilled that I can trigger tonight and do the IUI (#3) on Wednesday a.m. Even if it doesn't result in a BFP, at least I finally had some follie response and have cleared the insurance hurdles to move on to IVF if this cycle doesn't work. Hooray!

Now I'm confused

After Friday's news about my estradiol levels dropping and my LH and progesterone elevating, along with sky high BBT temps over the weekend, I went into ultrasound and bloodwork #4 (CD18) pretty much assuming that it was only a formality, as I had clearly ovulated a sub-par follie on Friday.

Well, the moral of this story is that my body is completely unpredictable. Immediately jumping out on Rightie were two nice follies, one at 21mm and one at 16.5mm. Anything 14mm or larger can contain a mature egg but REs like to see 18mm or larger on a medicated cycle. As they grow 1-2mm per day, even the 16.5 should get there tomorrow.

I'm so confused. Clearly it looks like I ovulated on Friday, and I know you can obviously ovulate more than one follie per cycle -- but can it be 3-5 days apart?? My brain hurts. I'll have to wait to hear from the nurse this afternoon on the RE's plan and my bloodwork. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm hoping they at least let me do an IUI to pass that final insurance hurdle for IVF. I figure cautious pessimism might work better for me than cautious optimism.

Somewhat promising

CD12, when I usually ovulate so I'm starting to get a little nervous since last cycle the RE made me trigger with only a 14mm follie since my hormones were looking like they'd be ovulating on their own. No real dominant follie showing, but the nurse is optimistic because there are a "few" <12mm follies and my estradiol has jumped from 104 to 227. Looking better than last cycle, but not counting any chick yet.

Infertility roundup

I've had a hard time starting a TTC blog, not know when and where to start. The cycles simultaneoulsy seem to zoom and crawl by and the optimstic part of me kept thinking that maybe it wouldn't be worth starting a blog because what if I get pregnant this cycle? I'm not sure if it says more about my waning optimism or my embracing of spilling my guts, but I'm diving in! I thought about trying to recreate my past successed and failures in real-time since you can post-date blog posts but the mere thought of that made me want to curl in a ball, so I'm just going to give you a bullet point list. I'm sure I'll go into more detail on some of these carnival rides below in later posts, but here are the cliff notes:

Past cycles of note
• Sept 08: Clomid 9/27-10/2. IUIs 10/7 & 10/8. BFP!
Oct/Nov 08: pregnancy progressing slowly. Early Dec 08 m/c :(
• Feb/Mar 09: Gonal-F 150 (CD2-5), 300 (CD6-8), 450 (CD9-11). Planned on Ovidrel trigger. IUI. Poor response by CD13 and had to leave town on vacation, so abandoned cycle. BFN.
• Mar/April 09: Hormones screwy, not at baseline during AF, started Gonal-F 450 on CD4 anyway. Gonal-F 450 (CD4-8). CD9 14mm follie but might O naturally, so trigger CD9 pm and IUI on CD11 am. 12 million post-wash sperm count. AF-like bleeding started on CD18 and hormones supported baseline levels, only a 7-day LP, BFN no surprise.

Tests/results
• July03: DX Graves disease, hypothyroid now.
• Sept07: HSG clear, SA great.
• Feb08: Laprascopy in Feb 08, stage IV severe endometriosis removed.
• July08: Ovarian Reserve Index worst possible score of 1 out of 30.
• Sept08: Elevated prolactin. Parlodel for a month, levels back to normal.
• Oct08: Clomid > IUI = BFP!
• Dec08: Embryo stopped developing at 6w5d. M/c. D&E. :(
• Jan 09: Genetic test (DH/me) for chrom18 abnormality from m/c. Non-inherited (yay).
• Feb 09: Hysterscopy. Ten polyps and an adhesion removed.